A Tall Story

Let me tell you a story

about my friend Kate.

Two weeks ago

she went on a date,

I set her up

with a fellow work-mate,

tall, dark, handsome

and surprisingly - straight.

I had a good feeling

I thought they'd be great,

together they're perfect

it had to be fate.

But she called me that evening

she seemed quite irate,

"He hasn't shown up

how long should I wait?"

She ordered her meal

and stared at her plate,

all alone at the table

on her lonesome she ate.

She moved to the bar

it was getting quite late

when a stranger approached

all of four-foot-eight.

Too pissed to care

too mad to debate,

"You OK?" he asked,

she was in quite a state.

Well I know you're all dying

for the latest update,

it seems they're together

this clown and my Kate

I know that sounds harsh,

but I just can't relate

with this guy that she met,

all of four-foot-eight.

My friend you see,

has an unusual trait,

she's six-foot-four

and it's hard to translate

what it must be like

when they copulate.

But despite my opinion

who am I to dictate?

He may not look it

but he is her soul mate

Young Skin

Candy was a swimsuit model

She was the pin-up queen

but then she got some cellulite

and readers weren't so keen

So Candy got a big tattoo

of something quite obscene

to cover up the cellulite

and now it can't be seen

but the girls in FHM

are seldom older than eighteen

so she's snubbed them

for a weekly spot

in Skin & Ink Magazine

The Last Laugh

She was a cruel woman,

a malicious wife.

Her poor, patient husband

has endured a trying life,

just for fun she would often provoke

setting him up with a practical joke.

Well the time had come

after years of abuse,

this old man's noggin

is still of some use.

So while she lay snoring

like an old, fat hound,

he soaked her in fuel

without making a sound.

He put on his coat,

he roused his dog Scratch,

then he lit up his pipe

and flicked the match.

The Eye of the Beholder

They were beautiful

and they were real,

their imperfections

enhanced their appeal

but along came a man who thought too much

and erased their flaws

with a magic touch.

Vital statistics

skewed with distortion,

bodies glowing

in perfect proportion,

smoking the mirrors

of current generations,

raising the bar

and all our expectations.

Trimming hips,

inflating lips,

eight-year-old girls

googling diet tips.

And while the clocks

go on to delude

they've come up with a model

who doesn't need food.

Manufactured,

flawless,

completely unattainable

our flesh and our blood

are no longer sustainable.

Measuring Up

On her first day of high school

Katie's mother advised her

never to borrow

rulers from boys

Tweet Nothings

She called herself

a bird whisperer.

Her nose was covered

in scars.

Retyred

The tyre

under the tree

has retired

Top to Bottom

After they made love for the first time,

Tim opted for his pyjama top

leaving Jane with the pants

and strong doubts about their future.

Soft Focus

Though she needed glasses,

Peg preferred the way she looked

without them.

Chips Ahoy

Chips was a home-sick sea gull,

lost in the outback.

He found that,

listening to Don Henley

and sniffing Reef Oil

made it easier

to get through the day

Handy Man

He's a sculler and a gobbler,

his manners, far from mild.

You'll never hear 'please' or 'thank you'

spoilt rotten as a child,

he'll fart at your table,

he'll swear in front of your kids,

but

still,

he comes in pretty handy

when I can't open lids.

Promises

The promises she makes to herself

are always broken

The Accidental Poet

I asked him to write a poem

He said,

"No way, Jose."

Untitled

She scored a job

naming new products

but they're yet to come up

with a title for her

Falling Short

He found an old photo of his father.

He was leaning against his

caramel, Sting Ray Corvette

wearing a beige sportscoat over a white turtleneck.

That afternoon he went thrift shopping

but all he found was a white turtleneck.

Tea-shirt

She bought a purple, polkadot blouse

to match her purple, polkadot tea cup

When her tea cup broke

she wore an old Rolling Stones t-shirt

and settled for a Starbuck's frappacino

Bright Grey

On a grey-ish Wednesday in early June

she stared out the window all afternoon

smiling as the dog chased turtledoves away

she knew at that moment everything was okay

it was her and her dog and the rain and the cold

and purpose, nor time, nor fate had a hold

Mr President

A psychic once told him

he was the reincarnation of John F Kennedy.

He never drives convertibles.

Fake Smile

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to happiness.

"I'll be honest," said the old woman leaning forward.

"It's a cheap imitation...but no one will tell the difference."