Painful Beauty

A brisk, early walk in the new, summer sun

Ripe enough to cue cicada's eager song

I greet a row of marigolds swaying by a fence

and shade my squinting eye from their yellow too intense

The gods are blowing just enough to rouse the old, fan palm

Rustling it glistens while an old man waters on

I wave a bright good morning

My heart it pains my chest

A dog on a leash and a soap-sodden car

Now I run in clear protest

Searching for some ugly

to stop my welling tears

I head toward the highway

And comfort fills my ears

Blue Beret

She's going to Paris

It's raining there

She's going to Paris

With tres bad hair

When she lands in Paris -

without delay

She'll hide all her hair

In a blue beret

And now all the girls

On the Champs-Elysees

are tucking their hair

in the same, clever way.

Carousel

In my dreams I'm riding

My horse goes round and round

I'm naked without a saddle

his hooves don't make a sound

We take the road less travelled

By everyone but us

When I yearn to see the highway

My horse kicks up a fuss

He doesn't like to venture

discover different sights

We take the road less travelled

Endure long, silent nights

One day I'm gonna lose him

This horse called Deja vu

I'll slip right off his plastic back

and do what so few do

I'll snuff the song stuck in my head

for years it's ugly drone

I'll write a tune that no-one's heard

one of my very own

And then my feet will tap along

I'll dance a brand new groove

And I won't claim my rights to it

We've all the right to move

Spring Clean

She drenches the mop
she wrings out her dreams
She soaks up the dirt
but not stubborn screams
She wipes away dust

but the tears remain
they settle in corners

thick with pain

She tackles the tub

with its ugly ring

but those ugly words

still stick

still cling

She plucks out the weeds

she feeds her roses

she plants a new memory

when the old one closes

Lilac and Blue

Dear Mrs Jacaranda

you're making a mess

of my front verandah

without sounding rude

and somewhat bitter

would you mind getting rid

of your lilac litter?

For lilac and I

we don't get along

She knows that my feelings

for blue are quite strong

and no matter how hard

she tries to impress

it's blue I love now

and have always I guess

But I must give her points

for consistency

every year without fail

raining potpourri

she doesn't give up

she won't be ignored

until I admit

until she's adored

But it's blue that I love

I'm sorry to say

Blue doesn't give

so freely away

Out of my reach

way up, way high

it doesn't fall down

God forbid it should try

I pray that blue

will bless me each day

I stumble to check

but I'm greeted with grey

and if it remains

for more than I care

if blue becomes sparse

if blue becomes rare

I sulk like a woman

hanging on hope

with no word from her lover

she struggles to cope

So if you resent

my devotion to blue

Deny me your lilac

And I'll yearn for you too

Boots

She loves her boots

With the endless lace

By the time she's done tying

All the blood's in her face

She can hardly wait

for the air to chill

Then she'll dust them off

for her feet to fill

With her clunky boots

She stomps about

She'll find any excuse

To wear them out

Even a trip

to the local mall

she'll dodge the crowd

and try not to fall

And since she's there

She'll have a browse

She'll buy more boots

if her Amex allows

She doesn't need

a very good reason

Apart from the fact

That they're so last season

A Wave for Alice

Alice is taking a trip.

She's stuck smiley stickers on her sneakers

And the basket on her bike

is filled with apples and peanut butter sandwiches

She'll stop and have a chat with you

about her cat

who stays put

when you give him a yellow jelly baby

Come tomorrow

She'll ride through your town

and ring her bell.

Be sure to wave

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

If I was limbless

I would roll

from here to there.

I'd plan my route carefully

so as to avoid

steep hills,

this excludes

grassy banks

The Starving Magician

She's putting on a magic show

For her final act

she'll disappear

right before your eyes

though it may take

a few weeks

The High Life

He's in a frenzy

he's in a whirl,

did he stop for lunch?

He can't remember

Did he bathe?

It doesn't matter.

Has he slept?

He's only paused

to jot it down

so he doesn't forget.

Black and Light

She scours old photos

Searching for her face

To see what it looked like

Before ego

Found her

Before fear

Choked her

Before hate

Consumed her

Before love

Destroyed her

There were only a few

Crab Apple Tree

I like you Crab Apple tree.

I like the cool of your dappled canopy,

it pleases me.

I want you all to myself

and to be sure no one else

discovers your appeal

I'll hide you under a giant marquee.

Running Out

She's going to put on her shoes

and run

She runs to escape familiar sights

Her desire to explore the unexplored

will prevail over her pain

And take her to places

she's only ever seen on TV

Sitting Pretty

I watched Pretty in Pink

and developed a sudden longing

for unrequited love

Second Skin

If this body had a zip

I would slip

right out of it

Forever Young

Where has it gone

the folly of youth?

Did it grow old

and long in the tooth?

Our sagging jowls quiver

in condemnation

of brazen young men

without obligation.

We gasp and we scoff

with values antique

while girls oozing gusto,

chutzpah and cheek,

challenge a system

where rivets cry rust

and question the doctrine

of theories unjust.

But sadly that fervour

of which we once thrived

will be snuffed like a candle

and never revived.

Smooth Criminal

Her bush is lush.
Her bush is thick.
He's not accustomed
to a hairy chick.
When she makes an advance,

(if he could be so blunt)

he recoils

from her shabby cunt.

But despite his gripes,

his constant objections

she's not deterred

by his candid rejections.
She won't be swayed

by his demands
and so they remain

those wiry strands.

But little did he know

while he was busy protesting,

she met a bush fancier

who found her arresting.

Her secret lover

had not a want,

for a smoother smoo

he was nonchalant

Winter-Weight

His love is like a heavy coat in winter

She likes the warmth

but not the weight

Adirondack

There's a lonely Adirondack out back,

blistering.

Between a cocky sunrise and a jealous sunset

she is met

with a gaze always

waiting for the next wave.

Upon his grassy mound he sits

Approving dogs with gritty sticks,

and kites with smacking tails.

Blue by moonlight

blushing by dawn,

my lonely Adirondack's

salty embrace

welcomes my grateful frame

like a patient friend.

Speculate

Look all you like

But you won't find me,

I'm merely a spec

on your upholstery.

Just a little spec

on a big black stain,

where millions of specs

work hard to remain.

On Foot

He's like wearing

a pair of comfortable, old shoes.

But she yearns

to walk barefoot

Private Function

All you click clackers
you stem strokers
and wine sippers
All you scowlers
look-me-up-and-downers
you fake-chucklers
and pretentious talkers
All you name-droppers
brand-name exposers
and posers
All you food-disorders
self-obsessors
you - the new blackers
and chip stackers
All you blue blooders
cold hearters
and queue jumpers
All you snorters
you gold diggers
designer baby makers
and husband takers

Wave your hands in the air
Like you just don't care.

Fade to Grey

Hey Mr Pelican

why the grey feet?

It looks like you're wearing cheap shoes

that vanish on concrete.

The Great Nifty Mable

Let me tell you a fable

about a charismatic rat

known as Nifty Mable

Nifty had a cat.

Yes! A cat as a pet.

Her name was Kit

and she hasn't bit her yet.

Kit keeps undesirables

mostly other rats at bay

For Nifty's unlike other rats,

she's not considered prey.

You see, her mother was a blue Burmese

whose eyes were not so keen

And when she bore a litter of eight

Nifty snuck right in between

She was picked-on by her siblings,

they'd mock her skinny tail.

Her mother fed her twice as much

so she wouldn't be so frail.

Nifty grew to be a scholar, a wordsmith, and a wiz

She lectured cats from around the world

on the meaning of being is.

Why we are here and what our purpose?

Is it simply to chase and catch?

Many embrace her poignant theories,

but the dull still hiss and scratch.

Cats have declared their prophet

and her name is Nifty Mable,

her sidekick Kit leads the enlightened flock

all devout and willing and able.

Nifty dreams of the day, cats and rats

will reside in a world of peace

But alas, there are zones on either side

where the carnage may never cease.

Bad Hair Day

Dear hairstylist,

I am not happy with my hair.

I meant to tell you so - I swear,

but after three long hours in that chair

I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there.

I think you need to be aware

that while we smile, that vacant stare

indicates complete despair

why we're powerless to share

might have something to do with the way you wave those scissors in the air

it's so unfair

My next appointment is...elsewhere!

I just pray they can repair

this eighy-five dollar nightmare,

These days good stylists are so rare

You can't afford not to care

I'll tell all my friends to beware

I'll tell 'em you've got no flair, for hair!

Extended Family

She's made a voodoo doll

of her mother-in-law

but instead of poking it with pins,

she makes it a little fatter and a little uglier

every day.

So far,

it's working like a charm.

May Afternoon

They caught a water taxi to Watsons Bay

Where the gods turn up the sun.

On lit rocks like lizards they lay

sipping wine and nibbling cheese maturely,

waving shyly to smiling ferries fading in glint.

Fish-flavoured breezes carry laughter

from beer-infused dawdlers

lingering well past their lunch hour at Doyles.

In the early afternoon,

they stroll back to a shady room

and make love to REM,

surprisingly.

Premier Baiser

She's never kissed the same boy twice

She never met a boy

she wanted to kiss

more than once

Bumblebee

Always in haste
Never resting for the dreary or the dull
To lure the bumblebee, pray your colours are mostly magnificent
for even then her pause is brief
Yet long enough to gather from the yields of your heart
With no hive to unburden her heavy harvest
She flies away

The Bloody Hands of Time

You have the blood of billions

on your hands.

But you get away with it,

every

time.

Ode to Incontinence

Hey Diddle Diddle

She can't hold her piddle

too many births made her weak in the middle

When she coughs or has a sneeze

the wee wee trickles past her knees

But she won't stoop to wearing a nappy

So she avoids jokes that make her too happy

Look first my friend and do beware

Before you sit upon her chair

there may be a puddle, there may be a pool

but at least it's a tinkle and not a stool.

Sand and Tutus

Her little hips

have sprung a tutu

now she's bouncing

on the grey sands

of Corsica

and the last of the day's fiery lights

are ablaze in her curls

good evening

it's a pantomime in Corsica

she's the fairy of the shore

conducting waves and broken shells

(the weeks are nameless

the hours flagged by hunger )

in her dreams she'll do the same

and when her sand speckled lashes flutter

she'll emerge to do it all again

Off His Chest

His brows were bushy

his lashes long

his hair was scruffy

his beard was strong

but his chest was smooth

nary a stubble

the cheek of a babe

the skin of a bubble

I wondered what

the reason be

a furry man

such as he

grooms the chest

so thoroughly.

All Things Nice

Nancy bought a vintage dress
it cost her two weeks' pay
She snuck it through the front door
and hid it well away.
Well hubby's always worried
about the careless way
she handles all their savings
now he's prematurely grey.
There was no occasion
no lavish, rich soiree
her life was always work, work, work
and never any play
The frocks in Nancy's closet
never see the light of day
They hang amidst the camphor
their tags still on display.
But despite her busy lifestyle
despite that old cliche,
being dressed up with nowhere to go
was for Nancy, still ok.
She loved her vintage dresses
her style was her forte,
for some it may be art or wine,
antiques or a sporty coupe.

Well what Nancy's trying to tell you

What Nancy wants to say

is that silk and lace and taffeta

are part of a girl's DNA

The Odd Couple

Her brain is Felix

Her body is Oscar

Remnants

Her dolls are getting dusty

her pony with the purple mane

shares a cluttered, sticky drawer

where glitter gathers in the corners

and crayons scatter like roaches

I found a picture of a rainbow

Cats on mats and butterflies

There's an origami frog or two

and several, naked Barbies

that look like ageing porn stars

Black and Blue Girl

BLACK, BLACK,

BLACK.

BLUE, BLUE,

BLUE.

These are the colours

he liked on you.

Most girls your age,

most girls that are two

wear a lot of pink

Not black and blue.

A Tall Story

Let me tell you a story

about my friend Kate.

Two weeks ago

she went on a date,

I set her up

with a fellow work-mate,

tall, dark, handsome

and surprisingly - straight.

I had a good feeling

I thought they'd be great,

together they're perfect

it had to be fate.

But she called me that evening

she seemed quite irate,

"He hasn't shown up

how long should I wait?"

She ordered her meal

and stared at her plate,

all alone at the table

on her lonesome she ate.

She moved to the bar

it was getting quite late

when a stranger approached

all of four-foot-eight.

Too pissed to care

too mad to debate,

"You OK?" he asked,

she was in quite a state.

Well I know you're all dying

for the latest update,

it seems they're together

this clown and my Kate

I know that sounds harsh,

but I just can't relate

with this guy that she met,

all of four-foot-eight.

My friend you see,

has an unusual trait,

she's six-foot-four

and it's hard to translate

what it must be like

when they copulate.

But despite my opinion

who am I to dictate?

He may not look it

but he is her soul mate

Young Skin

Candy was a swimsuit model

She was the pin-up queen

but then she got some cellulite

and readers weren't so keen

So Candy got a big tattoo

of something quite obscene

to cover up the cellulite

and now it can't be seen

but the girls in FHM

are seldom older than eighteen

so she's snubbed them

for a weekly spot

in Skin & Ink Magazine

The Last Laugh

She was a cruel woman,

a malicious wife.

Her poor, patient husband

has endured a trying life,

just for fun she would often provoke

setting him up with a practical joke.

Well the time had come

after years of abuse,

this old man's noggin

is still of some use.

So while she lay snoring

like an old, fat hound,

he soaked her in fuel

without making a sound.

He put on his coat,

he roused his dog Scratch,

then he lit up his pipe

and flicked the match.

The Eye of the Beholder

They were beautiful

and they were real,

their imperfections

enhanced their appeal

but along came a man who thought too much

and erased their flaws

with a magic touch.

Vital statistics

skewed with distortion,

bodies glowing

in perfect proportion,

smoking the mirrors

of current generations,

raising the bar

and all our expectations.

Trimming hips,

inflating lips,

eight-year-old girls

googling diet tips.

And while the clocks

go on to delude

they've come up with a model

who doesn't need food.

Manufactured,

flawless,

completely unattainable

our flesh and our blood

are no longer sustainable.

Measuring Up

On her first day of high school

Katie's mother advised her

never to borrow

rulers from boys

Tweet Nothings

She called herself

a bird whisperer.

Her nose was covered

in scars.

Retyred

The tyre

under the tree

has retired

Top to Bottom

After they made love for the first time,

Tim opted for his pyjama top

leaving Jane with the pants

and strong doubts about their future.

Soft Focus

Though she needed glasses,

Peg preferred the way she looked

without them.

Chips Ahoy

Chips was a home-sick sea gull,

lost in the outback.

He found that,

listening to Don Henley

and sniffing Reef Oil

made it easier

to get through the day

Handy Man

He's a sculler and a gobbler,

his manners, far from mild.

You'll never hear 'please' or 'thank you'

spoilt rotten as a child,

he'll fart at your table,

he'll swear in front of your kids,

but

still,

he comes in pretty handy

when I can't open lids.

Promises

The promises she makes to herself

are always broken

The Accidental Poet

I asked him to write a poem

He said,

"No way, Jose."

Untitled

She scored a job

naming new products

but they're yet to come up

with a title for her

Falling Short

He found an old photo of his father.

He was leaning against his

caramel, Sting Ray Corvette

wearing a beige sportscoat over a white turtleneck.

That afternoon he went thrift shopping

but all he found was a white turtleneck.

Tea-shirt

She bought a purple, polkadot blouse

to match her purple, polkadot tea cup

When her tea cup broke

she wore an old Rolling Stones t-shirt

and settled for a Starbuck's frappacino

Bright Grey

On a grey-ish Wednesday in early June

she stared out the window all afternoon

smiling as the dog chased turtledoves away

she knew at that moment everything was okay

it was her and her dog and the rain and the cold

and purpose, nor time, nor fate had a hold

Mr President

A psychic once told him

he was the reincarnation of John F Kennedy.

He never drives convertibles.

Fake Smile

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to happiness.

"I'll be honest," said the old woman leaning forward.

"It's a cheap imitation...but no one will tell the difference."

Turned Down

It was quiet

in her head.

No noise

is good noise

The Price of Beauty

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to beauty.

"That one," smirked the old woman.

"That one will cost you the best years of your life."

Animal Print Instincts

Kiku loved his leopard print coat

but it made all the other zebras nervous.

Mali however,

wondered if he could borrow it

sometime.

Faux Fur

The leopard was attacked and killed by his own Mother.

"I told him never to wear that zebra-print coat, but did he listen?

Nooooooo."

Tokyo Trip

She's going to Tokyo

with a penchant for raw, fishy meals.

But climbing Mount Fuji

May prove tricky in heels.

Thelma's Going to Gum

Thelma always gets a tiny tingle

when her dentist tells her to

'open up a little wider'

Holly and Dwayne Fess Up

After Dwayne expressed his dislike

for foreign and arthouse cinema

Holly told him she never really cared for rodeo.

Fidelio

He bought me

a gold, Venetian mask.

I wore it once during sex

I thought it would be silly to wear it again.

Snapshot Pilot

If he wasn't a wedding photographer,

he would have been a commercial pilot.

Sometimes he takes photos of brides on planes.

Freebie

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to truth.

"Oh it's free. Please," gestured the old woman.

"Help yourself."

Dwayne's Unworldly

Holly is unaware of Dwayne's dislike

for foreign and arthouse films.

He's decided to tell her tonight,

right after the moonlight screening of Cinema Paradiso

Gilda Chisels Out

Gilda has developed a phobia of strong jawlines.

She is scouting around

for a new, slack-jawed shrink.

Her current shrink is taking it as a compliment

Betty and Rita

Betty is enjoying high tea

with her new neighbour, Rita.

Rita's luscious tits

are covered

in orange and poppyseed cake crumbs.

Apple

I am no better than the worm in my apple

I just have a bigger mouth

Missing

I miss her smile

and her missing teeth

more than she did

Betty's making Waves

Betty didn't care for pool parties

but the lure of champagne

and the chance to meet her sexy new neighbour

was too great to pass up.

Betty's Single Bed

Unlike her husband,

Betty enjoyed the benefits

of their separate beds.

Pleasuring herself without rousing him

was one of them

The Price of Love

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to love.

"Make me an offer." said the old woman.

He pursed his lips and walked away.

Soul Mate

"I'm lost

and you have no sense of direction.

I know there's someone else out there

just waiting for you

to find them."

Foiled

Gilda's shrink's plans

for treating her latest phobia of car boots

backfired

when he was stopped

by highway patrol

Penny for a Poem

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to the sonnet.

"You couldn't afford it,"

sniggered the old woman.

"here, you can have this poem for a penny."

"Sold."

Reality Bites

She planned to meet Mr Right

by living her life like a Rom Com.

She bought a house by the beach

and a disobediant dog,

but spontaneous kisses were too hard to set up.

Abominable

'Abominable'

can only be used

to describe

snowmen.

Famous

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to fame.

"Two bucks." the woman replied.

"I'll give you a buck."

RIP

Today she wore black.

Something inside her had died.

Danny

Desperate and dirty,

with trousers torn

cursing the day

he had been born

Danny jumped in his car

and smoked his last spliff,

then he drove that old fucker

off the edge of a cliff.

High Tea

Betty was baking her favourite,

orange and poppyseed cake.

With extra poppyseeds.

Antoothipation

Thelma always flossed

before venturing out to collect her mail.

Just in case

Unfullfillings

When the dentist asked Thelma to remove her dentures
she did so,
seductively.

Betty's Dinner Party

The guests agreed,
dinner was superb
Betty was the perfect host
But really,
she couldn't wait for them all
to fuck off.

Betty's Dinner Party II

After bidding the last of her guests a goodnight

Betty made a beeline for the bathroom

Where she lit up a bong

Elusive

Your face in photographs

Is like chasing something in a dream

I can never quite capture your beauty

Dignity

Oh to have half the dignity

Of a bum

Rear View

I saw the back of my head in a pic

and didn't like the look of it.

Though I wasn't bothered for too long

Out of sight

Out of mind

Hot Cat

In winter

My cat doubles as a hot water bottle

But instead of hot water

He takes flaked tuna and salmon

Fashionista

There's a pretty girl sitting

on a sunny, park bench

dressed in Missoni.

"Oh?" cooed the pigeon,

"I was sure it was von Furstenberg."

Guitar

I bought a guitar

It cost me a lot

I can't play a chord

But damn it looks hot

next to the piano

Three Veg

Onions make me cry

But some vegetables

Make me very happy

Self-Conscious

I plan on shuffling away

from this unflattering light

I'm hoping you won't notice

The sudden improvement

The Busker

He plugged in his amp at Martin Place

his hair in a floppy beanie

And just as the crowd was starting to build

Up sprang a law-making meanie

"I am the music police," he said

"now pack up and move along!"

And when he released his first album

that cop was the star

of his best selling song

My Cat

My cat looks like something
The cat dragged in

Louboutins

I wore my Louboutins to the library

They made a lot of noise

To-Do

I would be lying
If crossing things off my to-do list
Wasn't thoroughly satisfying

Snapshot

I saw your face in a holiday snapshot

You weren't alone but,

you looked lonely

And I wondered

If you felt that way