A Tall Story

Let me tell you a story

about my friend Kate.

Two weeks ago

she went on a date,

I set her up

with a fellow work-mate,

tall, dark, handsome

and surprisingly - straight.

I had a good feeling

I thought they'd be great,

together they're perfect

it had to be fate.

But she called me that evening

she seemed quite irate,

"He hasn't shown up

how long should I wait?"

She ordered her meal

and stared at her plate,

all alone at the table

on her lonesome she ate.

She moved to the bar

it was getting quite late

when a stranger approached

all of four-foot-eight.

Too pissed to care

too mad to debate,

"You OK?" he asked,

she was in quite a state.

Well I know you're all dying

for the latest update,

it seems they're together

this clown and my Kate

I know that sounds harsh,

but I just can't relate

with this guy that she met,

all of four-foot-eight.

My friend you see,

has an unusual trait,

she's six-foot-four

and it's hard to translate

what it must be like

when they copulate.

But despite my opinion

who am I to dictate?

He may not look it

but he is her soul mate

Young Skin

Candy was a swimsuit model

She was the pin-up queen

but then she got some cellulite

and readers weren't so keen

So Candy got a big tattoo

of something quite obscene

to cover up the cellulite

and now it can't be seen

but the girls in FHM

are seldom older than eighteen

so she's snubbed them

for a weekly spot

in Skin & Ink Magazine

The Last Laugh

She was a cruel woman,

a malicious wife.

Her poor, patient husband

has endured a trying life,

just for fun she would often provoke

setting him up with a practical joke.

Well the time had come

after years of abuse,

this old man's noggin

is still of some use.

So while she lay snoring

like an old, fat hound,

he soaked her in fuel

without making a sound.

He put on his coat,

he roused his dog Scratch,

then he lit up his pipe

and flicked the match.

The Eye of the Beholder

They were beautiful

and they were real,

their imperfections

enhanced their appeal

but along came a man who thought too much

and erased their flaws

with a magic touch.

Vital statistics

skewed with distortion,

bodies glowing

in perfect proportion,

smoking the mirrors

of current generations,

raising the bar

and all our expectations.

Trimming hips,

inflating lips,

eight-year-old girls

googling diet tips.

And while the clocks

go on to delude

they've come up with a model

who doesn't need food.

Manufactured,

flawless,

completely unattainable

our flesh and our blood

are no longer sustainable.

Measuring Up

On her first day of high school

Katie's mother advised her

never to borrow

rulers from boys

Tweet Nothings

She called herself

a bird whisperer.

Her nose was covered

in scars.

Retyred

The tyre

under the tree

has retired

Top to Bottom

After they made love for the first time,

Tim opted for his pyjama top

leaving Jane with the pants

and strong doubts about their future.

Soft Focus

Though she needed glasses,

Peg preferred the way she looked

without them.

Chips Ahoy

Chips was a home-sick sea gull,

lost in the outback.

He found that,

listening to Don Henley

and sniffing Reef Oil

made it easier

to get through the day

Handy Man

He's a sculler and a gobbler,

his manners, far from mild.

You'll never hear 'please' or 'thank you'

spoilt rotten as a child,

he'll fart at your table,

he'll swear in front of your kids,

but

still,

he comes in pretty handy

when I can't open lids.

Promises

The promises she makes to herself

are always broken

The Accidental Poet

I asked him to write a poem

He said,

"No way, Jose."

Untitled

She scored a job

naming new products

but they're yet to come up

with a title for her

Falling Short

He found an old photo of his father.

He was leaning against his

caramel, Sting Ray Corvette

wearing a beige sportscoat over a white turtleneck.

That afternoon he went thrift shopping

but all he found was a white turtleneck.

Tea-shirt

She bought a purple, polkadot blouse

to match her purple, polkadot tea cup

When her tea cup broke

she wore an old Rolling Stones t-shirt

and settled for a Starbuck's frappacino

Bright Grey

On a grey-ish Wednesday in early June

she stared out the window all afternoon

smiling as the dog chased turtledoves away

she knew at that moment everything was okay

it was her and her dog and the rain and the cold

and purpose, nor time, nor fate had a hold

Mr President

A psychic once told him

he was the reincarnation of John F Kennedy.

He never drives convertibles.

Fake Smile

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to happiness.

"I'll be honest," said the old woman leaning forward.

"It's a cheap imitation...but no one will tell the difference."

Turned Down

It was quiet

in her head.

No noise

is good noise

The Price of Beauty

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to beauty.

"That one," smirked the old woman.

"That one will cost you the best years of your life."

Animal Print Instincts

Kiku loved his leopard print coat

but it made all the other zebras nervous.

Mali however,

wondered if he could borrow it

sometime.

Faux Fur

The leopard was attacked and killed by his own Mother.

"I told him never to wear that zebra-print coat, but did he listen?

Nooooooo."

Tokyo Trip

She's going to Tokyo

with a penchant for raw, fishy meals.

But climbing Mount Fuji

May prove tricky in heels.

Thelma's Going to Gum

Thelma always gets a tiny tingle

when her dentist tells her to

'open up a little wider'

Holly and Dwayne Fess Up

After Dwayne expressed his dislike

for foreign and arthouse cinema

Holly told him she never really cared for rodeo.

Fidelio

He bought me

a gold, Venetian mask.

I wore it once during sex

I thought it would be silly to wear it again.

Snapshot Pilot

If he wasn't a wedding photographer,

he would have been a commercial pilot.

Sometimes he takes photos of brides on planes.

Freebie

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to truth.

"Oh it's free. Please," gestured the old woman.

"Help yourself."

Dwayne's Unworldly

Holly is unaware of Dwayne's dislike

for foreign and arthouse films.

He's decided to tell her tonight,

right after the moonlight screening of Cinema Paradiso

Gilda Chisels Out

Gilda has developed a phobia of strong jawlines.

She is scouting around

for a new, slack-jawed shrink.

Her current shrink is taking it as a compliment

Betty and Rita

Betty is enjoying high tea

with her new neighbour, Rita.

Rita's luscious tits

are covered

in orange and poppyseed cake crumbs.

Apple

I am no better than the worm in my apple

I just have a bigger mouth

Missing

I miss her smile

and her missing teeth

more than she did

Betty's making Waves

Betty didn't care for pool parties

but the lure of champagne

and the chance to meet her sexy new neighbour

was too great to pass up.

Betty's Single Bed

Unlike her husband,

Betty enjoyed the benefits

of their separate beds.

Pleasuring herself without rousing him

was one of them

The Price of Love

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to love.

"Make me an offer." said the old woman.

He pursed his lips and walked away.

Soul Mate

"I'm lost

and you have no sense of direction.

I know there's someone else out there

just waiting for you

to find them."

Foiled

Gilda's shrink's plans

for treating her latest phobia of car boots

backfired

when he was stopped

by highway patrol

Penny for a Poem

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to the sonnet.

"You couldn't afford it,"

sniggered the old woman.

"here, you can have this poem for a penny."

"Sold."

Reality Bites

She planned to meet Mr Right

by living her life like a Rom Com.

She bought a house by the beach

and a disobediant dog,

but spontaneous kisses were too hard to set up.

Abominable

'Abominable'

can only be used

to describe

snowmen.

Famous

"How much for that one?" he asked pointing to fame.

"Two bucks." the woman replied.

"I'll give you a buck."

RIP

Today she wore black.

Something inside her had died.

Danny

Desperate and dirty,

with trousers torn

cursing the day

he had been born

Danny jumped in his car

and smoked his last spliff,

then he drove that old fucker

off the edge of a cliff.

High Tea

Betty was baking her favourite,

orange and poppyseed cake.

With extra poppyseeds.

Antoothipation

Thelma always flossed

before venturing out to collect her mail.

Just in case

Unfullfillings

When the dentist asked Thelma to remove her dentures
she did so,
seductively.

Betty's Dinner Party

The guests agreed,
dinner was superb
Betty was the perfect host
But really,
she couldn't wait for them all
to fuck off.

Betty's Dinner Party II

After bidding the last of her guests a goodnight

Betty made a beeline for the bathroom

Where she lit up a bong